I went to a baby shower for a friend on Saturday, and despite being grumpy about having to get up early, I actually had a good time. It’s a little weird, though, seeing more of my friends having babies and raising kids. It makes me that much more aware of the distinct lack of baby in my household. But it’s not exactly making my ovaries burst with a desire to change that.
I’ll be turning 30 this year. When I was 22 (and completely naive), I thought I’d have at least two kids by now. It seemed like a given, although I don’t know why. I guess 30 seemed really old to me back then. My mom was 29 when she had me, and I was my parents’ second child. Maybe I thought I had to follow suit.
It couldn’t be more obvious that I didn’t. I mean, here I am, 29 years-old and childless. I want to have kids, but I don’t know when I’ll be ready. People say you’ll never be ready, and I understand why that is, but there’s a difference between not being ready for the unpredictable nature of babies and children and not being ready to make that sort of personal commitment to another human being.
Had things gone differently with my job last year at Company B, it’s quite possible that I would have felt ready for the challenge. Husband and I were in a holding pattern of sorts. We had both been at our jobs for a few years, we were settled in our house, we had a routine with the dog. Not much was changing. Now, everything changes all the time, mostly with me. I feel like I’m just starting out again, like I’m that 22 year-old who’s stepping out into the real world for the first time trying to get her bearings.
But I’m not 22; I’m almost 30. I don’t want to wait until I’m 35 or 40 to have kids. It bothers me a little that I’m not ready to take that step—that I’m still working so hard to figure things out for myself. I wonder when things will click and my feelings will change. Maybe I won’t feel like everything has to be all figured out in order to take that step. Just because things do get figured out doesn’t mean they’re going to stay that way, as I’ve learned.
I just sort of thought I’d have fewer challenges in my life by now and that finding a steady source of income wouldn’t be such an ongoing challenge. Sometimes I really wish I could be 22 again.
I don’t think there’s ever a perfect time, really, and everything always changes, even if you think it’s going to stay the same. Don’t wait until the perfect time because it will never come. A steady source of income is useful, though. :P
Just my two cents…